Speak French? Or Italian?
If so, you'll not require a translation.
If not, don't worry, we'll provide the relevant details. You see, our latest topic takes us deep into Europe.
Our latest subject is Le Front pour le Liberation des Nains de Jardin or as it is known across the Italy-France border, Movimento Autonomo per la Liberazione delle Anime da Giardino.
In English, these two groups – from this point, referred to as FLNJ and MALAG – are known as The Garden Gnome Liberation Front.
That these two groups are terrorising garden gnome communities across Europe and beyond is beyond question.
It might sound a little like a joke, but it isn't.
You see, for gnome fans everywhere, this is serious stuff. For gnome fans, this is a nightmare.
Now, OM genetics is, as a scientific field, still new, its main discoveries still to be made. Researchers are, for example, still exploring the connection between the OM and the gnome.
You'll know, because we've told you, that OMs are not gnomes.
But nonetheless, in a world in which we are all connected, there's a strong likelihood that some genes are shared, for common are certain traits, the two alike in several respects.
If nothing else, there is a kinship, an understanding, a clear bond between OM and gnome.
So imagine, for a moment, our concern to learn about events in Europe, about the FLNJ and MALAG, about their activities and about similar movements that are starting to spring up all across the planet.
But what, you might ask, is the Gnome Liberation Front all about?
What are its objectives?
What does it stand for?
It's simple. Just that. Gnome liberation. The liberation of gnomes.
Some call it kidnapping, the FLNJ and MALAG call it freeing. Regardless, from gardens right across Europe, gnomes are disappearing, taken in the dead of night, never to be seen again.
The liberationists claim – satirically, some argue – that, in gardens, gnomes are condemned to lives of 'miserable solitude', forced into 'slave labour' and treated in their role as 'cheap ornaments' with contempt.
The liberationists claim to release freed gnomes into the woodlands of Europe, their natural environment, whilst in the Italian town of Barga, the first European Gnome Sanctuary (and yes, this is all true) has been established.
Here, countless gnomes, repainted to avoid identification, can be found.
If this all sounds amusing, consider this:
Gnomes and their owners are often never reunited.
In France, so serious is the FLNJ about its 'work', activists have accepted arrest and criminal charges without complaint.
This might not concern us so much if it was just confined to Europe, but it's not, it's spreading. Japan and Australia have reported recent cases and right here in the United States the Free The Gnomes movement is gaining in momentum.
Here, at this point, it's perhaps useful to point out that our concern is for the gnomes – a much-maligned species – and, in particular, for their owners.
For genetic similarities or not, we have no fears for our OMs, as we'll explain.
You see, the OMs go to the finest of homes, to the best of people, to environments fitting and natural, serving the purpose for which they were created in the first place.
No-one could claim that a re-homed OM ought to be somewhere else, or that there's a better place.
You see, our OMs, out in the world, are safe.
Our OMs are doing our work and their own, spreading our message, making connections.
You perhaps don't realise this, but we don't send our OMs to just anyone.
There's more to it than that. OM owners are selected. OM owners are chosen.
Just coming here today, to read our blog, qualifies you as special, an OM owner in the making.
Finding us is a test and you've just passed.
You've been vetted. You've been cleared. You have all the qualities required. Congratulations!!
Give an OM a home if you haven't already, but spare a thought for garden gnomes and their owners and let's hope the missing can, somehow, be reconnected somewhere, sometime, soon.
OMs are precious so keep them safe, keep them secure.
Give them a good home and if in doubt, be on the safe side: Never put them in the garden!
They're not gnomes, they're OMs!
Here's to gnomes and OMs!